It never dawned on me that in the half-decade since I last played with JS crypto, perhaps things might have advanced past the previous status-quo of "roll your own crypto library #yolo". I neglected to consider the possibility that all of this functionality might be already baked into modern web browsers. Well turns out it is. While I was putting the finishing touches on my library (using a Web Worker to make it multi-threaded), I stumbled onto documentation for the Crypto.subtle API, a.k.a. everything I had just built but way faster due to being compiled code that takes advantage of native cryptographic CPU instructions. Oops.
I can't bring myself to straight-up delete this code, but in reality it should never be used by anyone for any reason. Rather than try to make some sort of point (this is pointless), I'll leave it here for those who click "Read More."